5-20-09

I have come to the conclusion that being the bad guy is my job.  No one else wants to tick anybody off... so they leave it to me to bear the news, to be the heavy, to crack the whip.  Why?  I do not know.  I do not like unpleasantness as much as the next guy, I probably have a lower tolerance level for it than most, actually.  I hate being put in awkward positions, and I hate being "police" with my kids every time they find trouble.  

And, I hate it that my teenager is a drug addict.  When I let my guard down, even for a millisecond, he takes advantage.  I always have to be on top of my game or I lose him.  I can't be on top of my game 24/7.  Its impossible.  I have other "worries" greater (if that's at all possible) and just as great as my son's inability to stay sober.  

And let's not forget I have real life, which means paying bills, getting to work on time, laundry, soccer practice, walking the dog, etc. which tends to all pile up at the same time, rendering me a little off-guard on occasion, just doing normal-life-stuff.  When you add in all the other stuff... Ian moving to Philly, losing the house, Uncle Don's cancer, drug addict son, kids who hate homework and studying, stress in the workplace, which spills out into "my time", monthly money shortages, Josh's recent run-in with the law, Jill's chronic health issues, its no wonder I cannot sleep and I am getting fatter by the minute.

Speaking of fat, and also speaking of not sleeping, I was up one night recently during a non-sleepy jog at about 2am, and weighed myself.  I nearly fainted, but I did recover, and vowed to "do better".  The next morning, at 6am, just FOUR SHORT HOURS LATER, I thought "what the heck?!" and weighed myself again, and I was DOWN 2 pounds.  Nothing to eat or drink, no bathroom breaks during that time... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???  WHere did those pounds go?  I want to lose 2 pounds EVERY night.  But of course it will be back by tonight.  I guess we GAIN weight over the course of a day?  And then, miraculously, it falls away in our slumber??? I don't get it.  Why can't it fall away and then STAY away??? Hmmmm.