5-20-09

I have come to the conclusion that being the bad guy is my job.  No one else wants to tick anybody off... so they leave it to me to bear the news, to be the heavy, to crack the whip.  Why?  I do not know.  I do not like unpleasantness as much as the next guy, I probably have a lower tolerance level for it than most, actually.  I hate being put in awkward positions, and I hate being "police" with my kids every time they find trouble.  

And, I hate it that my teenager is a drug addict.  When I let my guard down, even for a millisecond, he takes advantage.  I always have to be on top of my game or I lose him.  I can't be on top of my game 24/7.  Its impossible.  I have other "worries" greater (if that's at all possible) and just as great as my son's inability to stay sober.  

And let's not forget I have real life, which means paying bills, getting to work on time, laundry, soccer practice, walking the dog, etc. which tends to all pile up at the same time, rendering me a little off-guard on occasion, just doing normal-life-stuff.  When you add in all the other stuff... Ian moving to Philly, losing the house, Uncle Don's cancer, drug addict son, kids who hate homework and studying, stress in the workplace, which spills out into "my time", monthly money shortages, Josh's recent run-in with the law, Jill's chronic health issues, its no wonder I cannot sleep and I am getting fatter by the minute.

Speaking of fat, and also speaking of not sleeping, I was up one night recently during a non-sleepy jog at about 2am, and weighed myself.  I nearly fainted, but I did recover, and vowed to "do better".  The next morning, at 6am, just FOUR SHORT HOURS LATER, I thought "what the heck?!" and weighed myself again, and I was DOWN 2 pounds.  Nothing to eat or drink, no bathroom breaks during that time... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???  WHere did those pounds go?  I want to lose 2 pounds EVERY night.  But of course it will be back by tonight.  I guess we GAIN weight over the course of a day?  And then, miraculously, it falls away in our slumber??? I don't get it.  Why can't it fall away and then STAY away??? Hmmmm.

5-13-09

Well, getting a 4-bedroom house ready for a move into a 2-bedroom apartment is not an easy task.  I am getting rid of literally HALF of my things.  Half of my dishes, pots & pans, and kitchen gadgets.  Half of my clothes, shoes and purses.  Half of my furniture.  Half of my knick-knacks and decorative items (which I don't have alot of anyway, because I cannot stand a cluttered coffee table), EVERYTHING GOES from the garage and basement.  The kids are starting to worry thinking their stuff is on the chopping block, and they are right in that assumption.  I'm putting that off until the last possible moment.  I have a short-sale realtor coming in a few days to talk business...

And my ex?  He just bought a $500 road bike.  Last month he bought new golf clubs.  Because the ones he purchased 2 years ago must have worn out or something.  Earlier this week he took his girlfriend "out on a date" because he hasn't had any "quality time with her, in like, forever!".  This was his reasoning for skipping out on "Daddy Night" with the kids.  The kids aren't stupid, and they know who is #1, and who isn't.  I asked for some grocery money, and he said his bank account was empty.  So I guess he found 500 bucks lying in the street yesterday and forgot that I needed groceries and remembered that he might want a new bicycle.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?  I realize this is the man I chose to have children with.  This is the man I spent the better part of my life with, ALL of my adult life, and really?  Looking back?  I see that nothing has changed... nothing except my eyes opening for the first time in my life.  I'M the one who has changed.  I kinda dig it, too.  I'm not feeling guilty because I might have bruised his delicate feelings because I want him to look after the kids when I go to the grocery store.  I can actually cook foods with onions in them now!  Yippee!  I can actually COOK FOODS without anyone telling me how I should have done it differently. I can sort laundry without criticism.  I will NOT be made to feel a second class citizen anymore.  I do NOT choose him any longer.  I choose LIFE.

And, I sure do like having the WHOLE BED to myself.  I know that sounds shallow, but that's me.  I love having the bed, the whole thing, all for ME.  No elbows in the head, no searching for covers that happen to be wrapped tightly around my significant other, and no more hot breath on the back of my neck.  Unless, of course the dog somehow got into my bed...

Today is a new beginning.  For each trash bag I fill with unneeded, unwanted, or unusable items, I shall remember that wherever I may go in life from now on, its all mine.  Life really IS good, and no one is going to be there to bring me down and tell me that I shouldn't have cooked the chicken so long.

5-6-09

Cinco de Mayo has come and gone but there was no celebrating at my house.  My house, which is soon not going to be my house anymore.  I have a week to find someone to take my signature on their lease who will look past my wrecked credit, and hopefully their humble abode that they would love to rent to me will accept dogs and won't be in the ghetto.  I also need to de-clutter my whole house to try and squeeze 4 bedrooms worth of stuff into a 2 bedroom house.  I am hoping for a 3 bedroom, but I don't think I can afford it.  I will have to bunk with my daughter.  She is not gonna be happy, and when she ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.  Try telling a 15 year old girl who is used to having her privacy that she is moving into a house where she will have to share a bedroom with her mother.  I think her world will cave in!  I think its in my best interest to find a 3 bedroom, and perhaps win the lottery.

Well, if I win the lottery I won't have this problem anymore, huh?

If I didn't need my ex to be healthy and working, there just might be a mysterious body floating in the river... he has sure brought me some seriously stressful days here of late.

4-18-09

Love is in the air.  Weddings are a funny thing.  Even the people who find it necessary to NOT follow the "norm", still do just that very thing.  They follow a set of guidlines, maybe those guidelines are interpreted differently, but they still conform.  Because they are in love.  Because they want to share that love with their best friends and family.  Because they are best friends, soulmates, incomplete without each other.  

I wonder when it all changes.  I mean, with some people, that "wedding day feeling" doesn't go away.  And that's great for them.  I thought that is what I had.  Actually, I never thought that's what I had, but I wouldn't have admitted it.

Weddings spark a funny feeling in me... not funny as in "ha ha!", but funny as uncomfortabe, unfamiliar, and even sad, remorseful.  I'm so happy for the blissful couple, but at the same time, I can see myself in them, about 23 years ago, so full of joy and hope for the future.  Now that is all a lifetime ago, and I wonder (worry) about what the future holds for me.  My kids are growing up, and I feel utterly alone.  I kind of like that "alone" feeling, but it also kind of horrifies me.  

Weddings are really special.  But they sure stir up all these contradictory feelings.

Supper is in the oven and the kids are cranky.  The older one has a head cold.  I think he's had about 4 of those in the past month.  The younger one has cabin fever and wants me to drive her to the movie theater so she can drool on herself while watching Zach Somebody Wanna-be-Thespian in an overpriced Warner Bros production.  Those kids need to find an income.  I knew for sure that there is a God in heaven when she announced that I do not have to attend with her, as I did the Hannah Montana movie last week... I would rather peel my fingernails off backwards than go through that again.  Actually, I must say, the movie itself wasn't HORRIBLE, but its the "crowd" that I can't take.  I should have brought my MP3 player...

Friday 4-17-09: 

Its absolutely gorgeous outside.  Of course I am trapped inside my office wearing enough layers to keep me warm on a hike through Alaska in January.  THANK GOD this is the last day of spring break for the kids.  They keep wandering the streets while I'm away and its only by God's Sweet Mercy that they haven't gotten themselves arrested.  Well, and there was all that rain, so that thankfully kept them close to home.  It has also sent me to the grocery store TWICE this week already.  Those kids of mine (and all their flunky fledglings) sure can eat.  Today, its nice out, and and I can only hope and pray they are not knocking little old ladies down with their skateboards for some Chipotle money...

Miss Pepper (my 7-year-old Pointer) has been LOVING all the attention.  Of course not from MY kids, but from all the little leeches that come by while I'm not home.  She is in for a rude awakening next week when no one is there to let her in & out every 10 minutes, and feed her bits of hot dog at her every whim.